A week in mild amusement

Mamma Mia, here we go again

Theresa May danced onto the stage to give her speech at the Conservative Party Conference. She came out wriggling to ABBA’s Dancing Queen and even warmed up the crowd with a few jokes. In reference to her embarrassing speech last year, she quipped that if she coughed, it would be because she’d been up all night glueing the letters onto the backdrop. Now. Had I known that people would accept jokes THAT easily, I would put significantly less effort into AWIMA. According to the universe where that joke makes sense, being tired makes you cough. Which Theresa wouldn’t know I suppose as she never loses any sleep. Anyone who’s walked past a food bank will know that.

In the theme of May’s tongue in cheek entrance, I thought I would repurpose a bit of the ABBA lyrics and try and come up with something for her.

“You are the Dancing Queen
Through the wheat, fighting own party
Dancing Queen, lost 13 seats in 2017, oh yeahhhh
You can’t dance, You can thrive
Ruining poor people’s lives ooooohhh
See that girl, botch that meet
Dig in the Dancing Queen”

Tees and C*’s

Speaking of the Tories, as I always seem to be, Plymouth University Conservative Society has been suspended after a photo emerged of them wearing T-Shirts displaying racist and anti-semitic messages. It’s nice to see that the Tories and Labour agree on some things. Members of the Conservative party have denounced the group. Slogans bearing prejudicial writing has no place in the Conservative party because they believe that actions speak louder than words. One T-shirt had a message reading ‘F*** the NHS’. Upon this emerging, the tories immediately forced the individual in question to leave the society… in order to replace Matt Hancock as Minister for Health.

Looking at this picture, it’s hard to see why students don’t like the Tories, isn’t it? What is it about these pastily monochrome, flaccidly foppish totems of smugness and privilege that pushes us to nuzzle at Corbyn’s beardy bosom? I don’t know which are more irritating. The ones who don’t know what is too much facial hair and probably still wear Lynx Africa or the ones who have so little facial hair that they look like they just finished breastfeeding. Bearing in mind that, as young Tories, they could be 19-years-old and that is still plausible.

SMPrez

200 Million US mobile phone users received a test ‘Presidential alert’ that checked if an emergency communication system worked properly. It is intended to alert citizens to events such as missile attacks, terrorism and natural disasters. Though, with today’s president, it will most likely be used to broadcast attacks on sexual assault victims. Many have pointed out that this system could be open to abuse as it’s up to Trump to define an act of terrorism. Most episodes of Saturday Night Live probably count by this point.

Trump now joins the esteemed ranks of people who’ve pushed themselves onto your phone whether you like it or not. Along with Edward Snowdon, Mark Zuckerberg and U2. The way that the Presidential alert will differ from Trump’s Twitter account is not yet clear. Many Americans could wake up one day to a sunny morning, a mug of coffee and an alert of covfefe.

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