A week in mild amusement

Brexit stage right

Theresa May is to give a speech outlining the ‘road to Brexit’. Until now, I had just assumed that phrase was a more desolate sequel to AC/DC’s Highway to hell. A photo emerged that looks like either the smuggest ever lineup of Take Me Out or the same person at different points in the ageing process like at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. If the photo lens was wider, the far left person would simply be a crumbling skeleton. David Davies, Boris Johnson and Liam Fox will also speak. When asked how talks had been within the Conservative party, Mr Fox replied ‘it’s very difficult because they’re always trying to hunt me’.

Sticks and phones

Abuse against politicians is ‘definitely getting worse’ according to… two politicians. David Davies and Carolyn Harris say that abuse against MP’s on social media is on the rise. Some children, they say, are afraid to come out as politicians to their family for fear of being ostracised. Davies (who described same-sex marriage as ‘barking mad’, used the Charlie Hebdo attack to promote the abolition of human rights and suggested compulsory dental checks for refugees to determine age) said he couldn’t understand why anyone would want to call him a k**b on Twitter.

Orange ya glad?

On this hundred year celebration of suffrage, a civil rights breakthrough of a similar magnitude was made. A new list of emojis includes some with ginger hair. We finally made it people. This is a massive step forward for all the people who’ve felt under-represented by tiny, jaundiced text accessories. Also included are emojis for bald people which, let’s be honest, just look like you’ve drawn eyes on the Twitter egg icon. Annoyingly, this story made constant references to ‘redheads’, which is a word I loathe. We don’t refer to dark haired individuals as blackheads do we?

Hashtag no botox

Women are shunning facial cosmetic surgery in favour of flattering photo filters. This seems an odd alternative as I don’t remember any women going under the knife to get their nose replaced with that of a rabbit. The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (that’s right, their hilariously appropriate acronym is BAAPS) say social media apps have nullified the need for facial procedures. In similar news, the pet industry is also being replaced by photo filters. The Domestic Organisation for Growling Species (DOGS) says people no longer see the need for pets because Snapchat allows them to be their own dog.

Lord of the cries

Human toothbrush, Jacob Rees-Mogg says heckling is good for politicians. Knowing him, though, he may have been referring to the method of flattening hemp. He claimed the shouting of insults during a speech can be very good for a speaker. With that in mind, I’d like to give Mr Rees-Mogg my best wishes for the coming year. His remarks imply he thinks people are shouting at him because of his political views, rather than the truth of them asking him to take them back with him to Hogwarts.

For last weeks roundup, click here.