I’ve never done this before but if you’ve already seen this weeks AWIMA (official acronym, get hashtagging) you’ll see its already far too long. And I can’t work for a UK media outlet without talking about the sodding wedding can I?! So, here’s part 2 of this week’s mild amusement solely focusing on the wedding of the century… as long as you don’t count the last one which, let’s be honest, was far more significant.

Cindered-Fella story

Prince Harry married Meghan Markle on Saturday. Half of the country annoyingly declared loudly how invested they were in watching it and the rest of us, even more annoyingly, declared how uninterested we were and how we weren’t watching it. Megan mark(le)s an important change as a black woman marrying into the Royal family. Similarly, it was a sunny day so Harry now enters the records as the first Duke of Sussex with entirely crimson-skin.

God save our fractious Queen

The Queen was there looking characteristically miserable. That lass scowls that much in public she looks like a permanently crumpled fiver. She was joined by Prince Phillip who The Sun un-ironically deemed a hero for even turning up. I don’t know why physicists bother with the Hubble telescope. If they want to study black holes that light can’t escape from, just stick a probe into those panda spots around his eyes. My mate Prince Charles walked Meghan down the aisle (I have met him, a weird humblebrag for a republican). Camilla was by his side, wearing a piece of ceiling insulation on her head. I had no idea they were renovating.

Fame academy

The star power on show was something to regard. Tom Hardy was there giving a thousand-yard-stare like someone who’s been told they have to star in a Sony-produced Venom movie. The Beckhams made it onto the BBC’s best dressed list. Which is unusual to hear about David when he’s in anything other than a pair of briefs. Also on that list was Elton John, who provided Prince Phillip’s entrance music with I’m Still Standing (Candle in the Wind was felt a touchy subject).

All in all, the wedding was a complete success. Smiles all round across the news. It’s hard to imagine any misery-guts being down on the whole affair. Unless, of course, you count the homeless people that were moved to make way for this state-sanctioned display of opulence. But you wouldn’t want dirty vagrants spoiling the Disney princess vibe now, would you?