Mind your Language: How to Talk about Self-Harm

It would be so easy to begin this article and call everyone idiots. After all, there are plenty of (deliberately) ignorant people out there who enjoy provoking heated and fragile discussions around self-harm. But I doubt you’re one of those people as you wouldn’t be reading this if you were.

First and foremost, it’s good to talk about self-harm. But you have to do it in a very careful, respectful way, whether you know someone who has experienced self-harm or not. It’s an issue that impacts thousands of people in the UK and around the world, but one we don’t really talk about. And when we do talk about it – as more and more people are beginning to do – many people seem to be at a loss as to how to respond.

So, if you find yourself feeling a little bit uncertain about talking about self-harm in any situation, here are a few pointers to help you be kind and respectful when doing so, from someone who would appreciate it.

1. Remember that self-harm is silent

Sometimes you won’t know who has self-harmed in a group among your friends. You might think you know everything about them, but you actually might not. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, it’s a very personal issue, so you should always be aware that when speaking about self-harm, you’re potentially bringing up a lot of uncomfortable feelings for some people.

Remember that they’re listening intently to everything you say and that once the conversation is over for you, it won’t be for them. They’ll remember every word you say.

2. Don’t joke about it

If you feel a bit scared after reading the last point, don’t be. The best thing you can do when speaking about self-harm is to make sure you don’t joke about it. That way you can definitely be respectful as long as you don’t begin to insult or demean those who self-abuse.

3. Be kind about it

Self-harm is a lonely place to be. What people appreciate in that situation is kindness, even if they haven’t self-harmed for years.

Being kind means listening to everyone’s take on the issue and calling out anyone in the conversation who is being cruel or unhelpful to the discussion. Be a moral force and stand up for those who can’t do it themselves – it is your duty to do that.

4. If you’ve never been through it, don’t say “I couldn’t self-harm”

Honestly, it’s one of the most common things I hear in conversations about self-harm. When people say “I couldn’t self-harm”, they often mean well, I think, but it doesn’t really do much for your self-esteem.

Don’t say you couldn’t do it, even if it’s true. It makes those who have experienced self-harm feel as though they’re strange and not human for wanting to harm themselves. The commonality of self-harm means it could impact any one of us and so you can never really rule out whether you’d do it or not.

As well as this, remember that self-harm isn’t the kind of choice you make like what to have for tea. You feel like there is no alternative and so the element of ‘choice’ doesn’t really present itself to you.

5. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not real

Saying you “don’t understand how…” is also not helpful dialogue. And labelling reasons why people self-harm if you’ve never been there before fits into this category.

Just because you don’t understand the mentality doesn’t mean it is not a reality for someone else. It all comes back to being kind. If you’ve never self-harmed, we don’t expect you to understand, we just expect that you’ll be kind and compassionate to us and at least try to get it.

The main pointer for conversations on self-harm is to be helpful and respectful because you never know the history of those sitting around you. Just because you can’t see their cuts, scars or bruises doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

Below are some useful contacts if you need further help or know someone who does:

• Samaritans – call 116 123 (open 24 hours a day), email: jo@samaritans.org or visit your local Samaritans branch
• Mind – call 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 (9am-6pm on weekdays)
• YoungMinds Parents Helpline – call 0808 802 5544 (9.30-4pm on weekdays)