A week in Mild Amusement
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Astronomers have discovered the most distant supermassive black hole known to science. At 13 billion light-years away, Eddie Izzard has already begun training to jog there for sports relief. Scientists are baffled by how the quasar (a word I don’t understand but enjoy using) accumulated such mass in such a ‘short’ period of time. To put it another way, this black hole is only 690 million years old and it’s already achieved more than you. If they’re intrigued by the rapid accumulation of mass, they should come round mine and observe my waistline just after the Christmas break.
Apple has fixed a flaw in its system that would have allowed unauthorised individuals to control smart home gadgets such as door locks and lights. Who could have known that connecting your home security to the same device you play candy crush on was a bad idea? Surely it’s simply karmic balancing that people who are both rich and stupid enough to do so should have the least opportunity to protect their Blu-ray players.
Australian biologists have launched an app encouraging the public to track species of frogs by uploading samples of their croaks. Basically, its a duller version of Pokemon Go. The scientists hope this could lead to the discovery of new species, at which point users can presumably swipe left to condemn the frogs to extinction or right to take them out on a date.
The FDA has issued a warning over eating raw flour, potentially saving the life of precisely one weirdo who’s eating raw flour. This comes after the 2016 outbreak of E. coli, the infection that most sounds like an exclaiming Yorkshireman.
British border officials have seized £1.5 million worth of counterfeit Calvin Klein pants. That must have been one hell of a package. This was reported by the BBC as a ‘crackdown’, which I suppose is a risk you run with fake underwear anyway. Security at Hull docks was initially confused as they had never seen a pair of underwear before.
San Francisco officials have voted to restrict where delivery robots are permitted to go in the city. Revealing, to me at least, that delivery robots are a thing. The officials say they are concerned about the safety of elderly pedestrians and children, as well as the puny human scum 50 years in the future. It would be a fabulous climax to a new Terminator movie if the T-1000 was defeated by its programmed inability to follow John Connor onto a cycle lane.
For last weeks round up, click here.