A week in mild amusement
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Don’t put mash with bangers, I heard you say
Parklife festival in Manchester has officially banned potato peelers because of Liam Gallagher. The crumpled, squinting mumble factory encouraged fans to ‘peel spuds’ at his gigs last year after taking issue with elements of his brother Noel’s performance on Jools Holland. Parklife decided it was not a good idea to have many sharp objects near so many people. I disagree slightly, considering one of those people is Liam Gallagher. Parklife has similarly banned whisks from any Little Mix shows, tin openers for Metallica concerts but actively encourage the use of cleavers and handsaws for Bieber gigs; as it’s expected fans will need some way to remove their own ears.
Duck, hunter!
A hunter has been knocked unconscious by a falling goose. He is described as being ‘vewy vewy quiet’ while ‘hunting wabbits’. The goose had been shot by a fellow hunter in the highest stakes game of Angry Birds in history. The 51-year old suffered injuries to his face, presumably 3rd-degree burns from the level of embarrassment at having been rendered unconscious by an oblivious waterfowl. It does lead credence to the NRA’s arguments. As it appears, the only way to stop a presumably bad guy with a gun is a presumably good guy with a gun and also a goose and also the correct parabolic arc.
Gannet get a girl
A gannet that lived its life devoted to a concrete replica bird has died. New Zealand conservationists nicknamed the gannet ‘no mates Nigel’ though that’s probably just friendly rivalry between gannets and kiwis. Nigel had been observed performing courtship rituals around the concrete fake which is still more fulfilled than my own dating life. The conservationists tweeted about their efforts to help attract real birds to Nigel. “We weeded, we painted, we sprayed guano around”. After trying these methods of attraction for myself I can heartily recommend two over the other. Nigel met his stony partner on tinder after hearing there were some game birds on there. He passed up some great tits, as well as some blue ones, before settling with a girl who likes rock and long stands on the beach.
Extreme curricular activity
Religious extremists are using schools to narrow children’s horizons and “pervert education”, officials have warned. One of these extremist groups is known only as ‘The conservative party’. Chilling. Ofsted inspectors increasingly come into contact with extremists. I would have thought that would be just what they needed though. The only observable effect of an Ofsted inspector is to make extreme teachers drastically more polite for a week. What bad can come of extremists learning to be more interactive and maintaining good eye contact, especially considering a lot of the people they want to pervert are wearing a hijab.