Another year is nearly over, and it’s a time to look back. In 2014, we’ve seen TFIOS-mania hit the world, the Crimea become part of Russia and unrest in any country with a government. But for now it’s time to look at the little things in life which drive us to apoplexy, and which we most certainly don’t want to see next year.
1. Katie Hopkins: Can this woman not even get out of bed in the morning without inciting controversy? She seems pathologically unable to manage not to upset someone. Of course, it rarely helps that she is increasingly poorly-informed, and gets far more media coverage for each and every bigoted statement that she makes, if only because all of Britain loves to hate her.
2. PPI Solicitors: Is it not just time to let this go? It’s been more than four years now, and we still have these blood-sucking creatures ringing us up at the least appropriate times. Every second call seems to be a request that we go and get whichever pot of money is being offered by Lloyd’s this year. It’s all on a ‘no-win, no-fee’ basis, except we’re teenagers, we’ve never bought any insurance and the actual amount of money we would be liable to receive would barely pay for the legal costs.
3. Josie Cunningham: I don’t personally think that a boob job on the NHS is a good reason for such fame as Ms Cunningham enjoys; there are far too many nauseating pictures of this unkempt-looking harridan pushing several mewling children around. Is earning a living by conning the benefits system a good example to set in the mass media? No, no, and furthermore, no.
4. Loom bands: These tiny elastic bands have multiple uses: weaving into completely pointless, flimsy items of jewellery, collecting in biblical quantities or pinging at any nearby person. Loom bands are a danger not only to the personal safety of anyone around, but also to the sanctity of good taste.
5. Early Christmas Decorations: “Oh, it’s September – let’s put up all of our Christmas lights so that the whole world gets to see them for as long as possible!” This would almost be forgivable if only shops practiced it, but even Joe public has leaped on the Christmas-in-autumn bandwagon. Forgive me, but I’m sure that Christmas day was in December the last time I looked.
6. Road-works: These are the bane of anyone who has ever driven or rode in a car… ever. No-one can ever enjoy a car journey once it has been spoilt by the long lines of traffic-cones, the never-changing traffic-lights… and the complete absence of our Great British workmen, who are nowhere to be seen anywhere.
7. Iceland Adverts: We’ve all seen Peter Andre’s smug little face one too many times acting out embarrassingly trite, sickly Christmas scenes in a studio with some of the worst fake snow on this side of Lapland. I don’t think I can stand one more encounter with the man before I am physically sick.
8. Kim Kardashian: I have personally never seen this woman in anything other than still images, and yet she manages to infuriate me more than most people on the planet. What does she actually have to offer to the world, aside from idle gossip and, every so often, a sex tape?
9. Stuck-up Celebrities: Does this one really need explaining? We have an increasing number of public figures who completely distance themselves from the general public. Stop now, please.
10. Celebrity Fundraising: We at b**p aren’t knocking the good work that institutions like Band Aid and Live Aid have done over the years, but do we really need the great and the good turning out every few years under the guidance of the Bob Geldof (who is famous only for his fundraising) in order to briefly assuage their consciences through the medium of the same re-hashed charity single or concert. No more, please. My ears are bleeding.