With all that’s going on in our world, it’s easy to see the grass as greener on the other side. Trump, Brexit and the incoming barrage of tweets concerning Love Island are enough to make me want to steal Rick’s portal gun and jump ship. That said though, we could definitely have it worse. Here are the four worst moving options if you’re thinking of packing up and hitting the road.

The Caribbean wot the pirates are of

Speaking of jumping ship. This world truly is nightmarish for any person in it who isn’t Jack Sparrow. First off, it’s old-timey so there’s no Starbucks, no telly and no WiFi for you to access NeBeep.com and read my delightful lists. Oh and there’s the risk of being eaten by sea monsters. When it’s sunny, your instinct is to go to the seaside. Imagine if ice-cream and frisbee at Tynemouth also carried the risk of being abducted by fish men-and/or being made to interact with Johnny Depp. I shudder at the thought.

The Fast and the Furious

You might have your scruples with our criminal justice system. However, at least in our world the CIA rarely, to my knowledge, employs former DVD-player thieves as special agents after five films. This world is so filled to the eyeballs with testosterone that you can probably smell it in the food. In this world, all bald men are invincible. Imagine that. Greg Wallace but he’s immune to the effects of tarmac when leaping from a car at 70mph. There does appear to be a seemingly unlimited supply of Corona to hand at all times, so I guess that’s nice.

Inside Out

What are you thinking when reading this? Surprise? Confusion? Not in this hellscape you aren’t. Joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust are all you’ve got to work with. Good luck trying to chat anyone up with any of those. Oh and by the way, remember your imaginary friend? No? Well, they are literally sentient beings and are heartrendingly pining for your recollection. Bing-Bong got Thanos’d before it was cool.

Dr Dolittle

Okay look, PETA is bad enough to deal with as it is. Imagine if we lived in a world where animals provably possess human-level intelligence. If a respected doctor marched me into a lab and proved to me that the packet of pork scratchings I just scoffed could have matched me at A-Levels I don’t think I’d be the only one feeling queasy. Remember, this doesn’t mean that you, dear reader, can talk to animals. It means that a very specific chap who looks like Eddie Murphy with an extremely questionable moustache can do that thing. You just have to sit back and contemplate zoos and Laika the space dog with a horrified frown.