A week in mild amusement
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*Rubs eyes* I only took a couple of weeks off, I wonder what I missed. *Checks news* Oh Christ.
Arbeit Macht cry
So Trump was keeping children in camps at the border without their parents. Constant clips of crying younglings, distraught at the removal of their loved ones, shocked the world. The last time a helpless baby caused this much outrage, it was Trump himself crying about his inauguration crowd. It was total insanity. Like I get that they’re asylum seekers but I’m fairly certain that they didn’t mean Arkham Asylum. When visiting the border, the world’s only prisoner who’s the subject of a fashion blog, Melania Trump wore a jacket that bore the slogan ‘I really don’t care, do you?’. Nice of Donald to let her print her wedding vows on that coat.
Knicker blocker glory
Sir Christopher Chope blocked a bill on making upskirting a separate sexual offence. His reasoning was that it was wrong to approve a new law without a debate. Because apparently, that would have been a particularly interesting debate. “Yes Mr. Speaker I can see how upskirting could be done by sexual predators but what about all the other uses it has? If we install solar panels on knickers the camera flash could perhaps be a great source of renewable energy”. When asked why she’d given this man a knighthood, Theresa May dodged the question like it was an application for non-flammable cladding. The answer is presumably ‘Political diligence and special services to the fappening’.
Octogen-air-ian
A 102-year-old woman has celebrated her birthday in a death-defying way. Which, let’s be honest, at her age could just be getting into the shower. In fact, she did an indoor skydive. She said it was the youngest she’d felt in years, and also the youngest she’d looked in years, due to the fact that most of her skin folds were flapping about a foot behind her head like the tail of Haley’s Comet. All cruelty aside, the woman’s name is Eva Lewis, she looks lovely and it’s a rare heartwarming story. The last time a woman called Eva took 110mph speeds to the face, the Russians took Berlin.
Wills and state
Prince William has visited an ancient city in Jordan as part of his Middle-Eastern tour. It’s hard to imagine such an ancient, barbaric institution incompatible with modern values visiting an ancient city in Jordan. This is part of a plan to strengthen UK-Jordan links. Surely there are easier ways to do that? Couldn’t he just pay for her next breast enlargement? The prince then visited Israel and remarked that it reminded him of his palace. A phrase that prompted Israeli soldiers to instinctively reach for sniper rifles before relaxing when it wasn’t ended with ‘tinians’.
Grand Mass-ter flash
A Catholic priest in Kenya has been suspended for using rap during sermons. The church stated that rapper’s attitudes towards women and violence were incompatible with Catholic values. They were far too liberal. Father Paul Ogallo says he adopted his unconventional style to entertain young people safely at church instead of at unsafe venues. I can’t wait for ten years time when some misguided vicar tries to do the same with EDM. You may be wondering, ‘what would catholic rap sound like exactly?’. Well, I leave you with my approximation of how I imagine it.
“Ey yo, ya’ll best remember this,
this is lyrical, metaphysical and literal Genesis
No serpent with a fruit could ever tempt me
Shoutout to my homie the original G…sus!
He rose from the dead
Then wined me and dined me on his bodily symbolic bread
I’m a catholic gangsta, but I’ll never act rude
Just like I’ll never partake in eating seafood
Or wearing mixed fibers, ain’t no blasphemy I does
This one goes out to my afterlife fighters
He died for our sins, protecting us so we could live
Loving all protection except contraceptives
So as a final message, to my homies and my chicks
Preachers ain’t s**t but a chosen fix”
For the previous one of these, click this hyperlink. If you’d like to directly tell me I should either be ashamed or commended then you can do that at @NEbeep or @mcfadgy.