A week in mild amusement

*Editors note* Because Kieran is still in hiding from all the Welsh people he upset last week, he was unable to complete this week’s column. Luckily though, as he was bolting out the door holding facepaint and water-reeds, he managed to book a few guest writers. We think you’ll recognise a few big names here but please be gentle with them. It’s their first time writing for Beep.

Bury Chuckle

By Theresa May

Good evening… Prime Minister Theresa May here…(and yes I’m still PM, stop asking) Now… as you may have heard… beloved children’s entertainer Barry Chuckle passed away this week. Or perhaps he didn’t. We’re looking into it. I think what’s important is that we remember that at some point, he was alive. At least, that’s what some believe.

Chuckle was famous for his appearances alongside his brother Paul in hit TV series like… erm… I’m fairly confident one was called Rook Derision. One imagines it was to do with Rugby… or perhaps chess. I certainly remember feeling naughty when I watched Barry and Paul’s antics as a young girl despite my mother telling me that they were uncouth peasants from the North (or as she called it, the elephant graveyard). I used to love repeating their catchphrases to my friends when we were being mischievous. To wheat, to you, we would often say.

Toff luck

By Jacob Rees-Mogg

This week, vulgar vandals attacked my family home. The Somerset mansion, called Gournay Court (coincidentally, also the name of my next daughter), had graffiti sprayed onto it reading ‘posh scum’. Quite honestly, I was rather outraged. Quite aside from an adjective and a noun not being sufficient to constitute a complete sentence in Her Majesty’s tongue, the provincial barbarians neglected the simple matter of capitalisation. Thank heavens, my family and I were visiting New York at the time of the loutish attack. We climbed to the summit of the Empire State building so I could get my children used to looking down at working people. Puzzlingly, I’m told that the police actually caught the vandals red-handed. But the officers themselves soon ended up with red hands from high-fiving the culprits too ferociously.

Lemurtal danger

By Danny Dyer

Right, turns out right, turns out that all species of Lemur, like all of ’em, they’re facin’ extinction. Now this came a massive surprise to me right, I though Lemur was the geezer that sung If There’s Any Justice. Still though, I don’t reckon this thing about extinction is true. I’ve been rolling it round in me nut see and I seen this documentary the other day and there was f***ing loads of em. Madagascar it was called. The Primate Specialist Group reckon lemurs are the most endangered species of primate in the whole world. So that moves me down to second I suppose. Mind you, I wouldn’t trust what the PSG say about lemurs right. I mean, what do those French football playing muppets know about monkeys?

When life gives you felons

By Donald J. Trump

This week, in North Carolina (great state, by the way, one of the best, big support for me there, really superb) a teenager robbed a nine-year-old boy at gunpoint while the child was selling lemonade. First off, let me say that this is terrible, really awful. Really really bad. Seriously. Why on earth did the nine-year-old not have a gun to defend himself? Dems! Sad! The coward fled with $17 of the kid’s money. I think that’s about £13 in United Britain money. The boy’s father (great republican you know, one of the best) said the funds from the lemonade stand will be used to buy a riding mower. I mean, I personally wouldn’t pay $17 for my mower. He’s called Juan, by the way, he does a great job.

*Editors note* Thanks for all the above for filling in for Kieran. Hopefully, the manhunt will end soon and he’ll be able to return. In the meantime, you can view his final act at this link.