A week in mild amusement

17 April 2018

By Kieran


A US lawyer has died after setting himself on fire in a protest against climate change. In response to this, everyone immediately bought Toyota Prius’ and the ice caps returned to normal. The prominent attorney left a note saying that he had immolated himself using fossil fuels to symbolise the damage humans do to Earth. I mean, I get the allegory but that really doesn’t help now does it. If he were serious about protecting the planet, he would have found a way to off himself using renewable resources. Which, unless you’re a sparrowhawk nesting near a wind-turbine, is relatively difficult to do. I suppose us gingers could use reflective solar panels if we were pushed. He also added, in his note, that most people now breathe bad air and die prematurely. Though, I would add, not as prematurely as those who soak themselves in petrol and strike a match.

t’ majesty’s government

Jeremy Corbyn has backed a devolution deal involving the whole of Yorkshire. The plan would see central government give some powers to the county under the control of an elected mayor. Major policies from such candidates include equating everything generally Northern to simply ‘Yorkshire’ and loudly expressing distaste for any teabag that isn’t Yorkshire. I think this proposal makes sense. Yorkshire, I’ve always found, is similar to Essex in that their residents assume you care where they’re from. I’ve never seen anyone on Take Me Out say anything like ‘I’m a proper Middlesex lad me’ when describing their unique personality trait of liking a pint.

Gorilla tactics

The Donkey Kong world champion has been stripped of his world record title after an investigation found he did not use an original machine. Billy Mitchell, a man who looks like the final boss in a PS2 RPG about vampires, reportedly used an emulator to achieve the 1,047,200 record. The Russian olympic team has expressed interest in Mitchell as a potential new hurdles coach. While, I’m sure, prestigious in its day, the championship title for a 1981 arcade game seems awfully irrelevant today. It’s very much like the UKIP leadership in that way. Besides the fact a game of Donkey Kong tends to last longer. The record has rolled down to another gamer, Steve Wiebe. By pure instinct, though, he jumped over it.

Cheetahs never prosper

In another story involving gorillas and cheetahs, a survey has concluded that animal’s popularity may be a disadvantage. Apparently, the public are unaware that many animals they consider the most ‘charismatic’ are on the endangered species list. My main takeaway from this is that there’s a list of particularly ‘charismatic’ animals that are featured on advertising and branding. Pandas are one of the most charismatic, apparently. Proving, as 4chan have been trying to tell us, that a good personality doesn’t guarantee sex. People see three times more ‘virtual lions’ in adverts and cartoons etc. in a year than there are lions in the wild. This is mainly because virtual lions are a lot more difficult for dentists to shoot.

Quit wine-ing

For some reason, it’s news that the widely recognised unhealthy activity of binge drinking is bad for you. Who knew. A study found that 10 to 15 alcoholic drinks every week could shorten your life by between one and two years. Which, quite honestly, doesn’t seem a particularly steep price for that good a week. I know that if I was offered the chance to choose between paying £5 or a year of my life for a pint, I would legitimately be torn. I always find it annoying when people tell me how unhealthy drinking is. ‘Did you know it’s shortening your life?’ they say. ‘I read the news as part of my job’ I reply. ‘Why do you think I’m doing it?’. The alternative is living longer with no one to talk to but other people who don’t drink and at that point I’ll take the coffin thanks.

One of these links will take you to last weeks news. Choose wisely.

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