Football Haters: How to Survive the Brazil World Cup
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If you mindlessly hate football or just don’t really care about Steven Gerard pretending to be injured at the slightest knock, then you’re probably wondering how you will tolerate having to envision the stacks and stacks of Brazil tank tops packed into Asda or your favourite shows being cancelled because of “overtime” (by the way, well done for coping so far). It’s been a few days since the first game and already, we’ve had to hear the devastating sound of “we’re sorry, but [insert show here] is being set back by three hours due to the World cup coverage”. Ah, the injustice. So that is why we have composed this list of helpful techniques you should use to survive during this year’s World Cup.
1- AVOID Primark until it’s all over. Primark is the Holy Grail of merchandise, which is good for the other 11 months of the year, but not for the World Cup month. If you’re desperate for an item from Primark, then send a friend in who doesn’t mind being bombarded with foam fingers that read “Come on, England!”
2- Don’t go to restaurants or pubs that have TVs. They WILL be showing the live coverage, and you don’t want your company to be engrossed in the screen while you are trying to have a conversation with them.
3- Temporarily emigrate to a country that did not qualify for the World Cup. There may be a bit of a sour atmosphere, but that would be a sight better than having to witness your classmates or colleagues pass around little slips with different countries on as a form of betting, which brings me onto the next tip…
4- Convert to any religion that shuns any form of gambling. Then you have a justified reason to decline your friend’s kind offer to put you down for ‘Greece’ or ‘England’ in the hope of winning twenty quid (you wouldn’t stand much of a chance with those teams anyway).
5- Stop paying your TV licence. That way, they’ll stop streaming the channel that hosts the World Cup to you. Fantastic.
6- If someone brings up the subject of Brazil 2014, try and divert the subject to something like “paint drying”, or anything that is even the slightest bit more fascinating than a group of sweaty men kicking a heap of plastic around on some grass.