Why I Would Hate to Have a House Party

Scrolling down my newsfeed, I stumble across a new album named “MYY HousEE Party 😀 WOO<3 ”, created by one of my friends from school. I click on the first photo and a rather grim photo of  four girls and two boys looking a bit sweaty and very disheveled comes up. They’re each holding a cup or can of some drink. The next one is similar, only now the cans are readable, and at once I recognise that they’re drinking something a little more intoxicating than Coca-Cola. The photo after shows a girl I’ve never seen before in my life on the floor, laughing with a look of vacancy in her eyes. It’s pretty obvious that she can’t see straight, and as I progress through the album it appears that nobody at this “HousEE Party” can see straight.

Now, “each to their own” and everything, but just…. Why? I totally understand that there are some seriously extroverted people who love to be within inches of other vomiting teenagers, but I, being arguably the biggest introvert ever, would absolutely hate to hold a house party. In no particular order, here’s why:

1-     Unexpected guests- Picture this you’re expecting about 15 of your friends from your school and swimming club at 7.00pm. By the time it gets to 8.30pm, there are 110 people, some you’ve never even met before. The anxiety spreads inside of you. Who are these people? What if they’re thieves? What if they’ve smuggled drugs in? What if they have no sense of personal hygiene and touch your door handles and stuff?! You’re now going to have to cordon off the premises and disinfect everything.

2-     People not leaving- It’s 12.30am, you’d like to be in bed as it’s really late and you’ve been up since 6am this morning. But there are now around 140 people, and they seem to keep on coming. You want to go to bed, but you went in your room before and you have decided it would be best to wash your sheets before your next sleep. The sofa is not an option, and all the other beds have people either passed out or just sitting on. Your parents said they’d be back around 2am, but there are people still coming and you know that no one is leaving anytime soon. You’re forced to stand around and talk to people who you don’t even know and watch as your house quickly becomes destroyed.

3-     Vomit- So the 200ish “guests” at your house have came across some cider. A few of these people have never drunk before and their young livers and guts don’t handle it well. Your carpet doesn’t handle it well either. Neither does your sofa. Or your sink. Or your mam when she comes home. Now that you think about it, you’ve never seen her so angry. Ever.

4-     The lingering mess- Three days later and you’re still grounded and unsurprisingly, you’re still cleaning up. You’ve just finished picking up crushed cans and paper cups and you now want to vacuum your carpet to try and get rid of the smell of urine. Walking over to the cupboard that stores your Hoover, you remember hearing its noise on the night of the party. You weren’t sure what was going on, and when you went upstairs to check, the Hoover was gone. The cupboard door swings open and your stomach turns. The Hoover is there, only the inside of it does not seem right. Someone must have vomited and vacuumed it up. The vomit has fermented. The smell fills the house within a few seconds. You begin to hyperventilate.

5-     Theft- The scare of thinking your Hoover had been stolen makes you feel a bit worried. You know you left your IPod on your bed but you haven’t seen in since before the party, and you just dismissed this as thinking you must have dropped it down the side of your bed again. Your heart pounds in your chest as you make your way to your room. Praying, you slide your hand down the side of your bed and the only thing you touch is more puke. Your IPod is nowhere to be found and now your hand is contaminated.

You’re now at a point where you’re grounded until you’re 25, your house stinks of vomit, you’re still not back into your normal sleeping pattern and your iPod has been thieved. All for the sake of attempting to climb a few more rungs up the social ladder.