For all of you people who don’t use public transport, shame on you because you are clearly missing out on all the fun.
- 1. Standing arrangements: If the bus is full, you suck yourself in, squeeze through the crowds and refuse to make eye contact with anyone, although you may make contact with a few armpits.
- 2. The fellow joiner: You have avoided being sat next to for the last five stops but stop six is where it all ends. He’s got his Burberry cap on, White Lightening in one hand and a fist full of copper change in the other and guess where he’s sitting? Right next to you my friend. *Warning* your bus will run late because Burberry cap will argue that £1.85 is unacceptable and he only “wanted a bus ride, not the whole damn bus”.
- 3. Chav central: “Don’t be uptight because we gonna loose or minds tonight, ha-ha”, don’t mind me DJ Bucktooth, I didn’t get on this bus to get from A to B, I clearly got on this bus to hear MC blasting through your broken Blackberry Curve. It’s as though you got on the number 52 to the tenth circle of hell.
- 4. Creeps: We have all witnessed a few creeps in our time but why do they all have to be on your bus and sit right in front of you? How badly did you sin for this drunken mess to be sat in eyes reach of you smelling funkier than a nightclub restroom?
- 5. Where is this bus: You have left five minutes early for the bus and its typical British weather, so it isn’t pretty. It’s now two minutes late but you aren’t stressing, you’ve only got to get to work and pay bills and fund the ‘lavish’ life you live. 22 minutes and 37 seconds later a bright orange bus turns up in front of your eyes and the doors swing open to an old grumpy man with no compassion and a stinking attitude. Welcome to Britain.
- 6. SALVATION: You hyperventilate at the thought of being released back into reality. With only three kids crying, two alcoholics, five chavs and nine near misses into the back of a car, you would agree that it was quite a pleasant ride to say the least. Well done for surviving.