A week in mild amusement

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16 May 2018

By Kieran

National Wealth service

Prince William has praised the ‘wonderful’ NHS staff in a video message to be played at an awards ceremony. The ceremony coincides with the anniversary of the formation of the NHS. The service turns 70 this year and like many 70-year-olds, it’s crumbling under its own weight, struggling to function and neglected by the Tory party. Will called the NHS ‘one of our countries greatest treasures’. Putting it about on par with Davina McCall and proper queue etiquette. Of course, it’s not the countries greatest treasure. That would be those in his gran keeps in the her publicly view-able jewellery box. Will said NHS staff are ‘inspirational’ in their ‘skill, care and dedication’. Which is why he always takes the time to wave to them as he drives past on his way to a private hospital.

Fads Fads Fads

Thomas Cook might be scrapping Club 18-30 as millennials holiday tastes have changed. Bad news for anyone whose criteria for jollies are: easy shopping access, nearby beach facilities and the option to be sick in public bins. The travel company said they wanted to focus more on their Cooks Club brand. Aside from sounding like a particularly lazily named chefs union, this has a sharper focus on food for ‘the Instagram generation’. Whereas with Club 18-30, the only real food focus was that which was dribbling off your chin onto your shirt 4 hours after you originally swallowed it. It’s interesting that today’s youth are more interested in taking pictures of avocado than pole dancing and assaulting locals. When I went to Malia in 2014, the only time people did anything for ‘the gram’ was exchanging euros for cocaine.

Candid gentry

Tory MP’s are being advised on how to show they are ‘real’ on Instagram by showing their ‘playful side’. This won’t be easy. Given that most of them look like vampires waiting for you to invite them over the threshold. I think this is hilarious. They’re actually training tories on how to take photos and swipe for a filter like ET learning what television is. “A picture of your morning coffee with #MondayMotivation- Very good Theresa… A gallery of photos of a fox’s corpse with the caption ‘release the hounds’ Jacob? You can do better than that”. Their ‘playful side’ intrigues me though. The tories: putting the ‘fun’ in barely functioning health system. And the ‘laugh’ into ‘my disability benefits were slaughtered and I’ve lost my house’.

Chips and a coke

Scientists are one step closer to creating a handheld cocaine breathalyser. At present the technology can only analyse substances extracted from blood, urine or saliva using a purification process. That would certainly change roadside pullovers. “Sir could you please step out of the vehicle and urinate into my hand?”. One road safety group called the developments in a chip to read levels of substances in individual’s biological system ‘exciting’. Which makes me think they’re probably on cocaine. The chip is significant because it costs only a few pence to produce. Which means that in 2018, the cost of police drug testing equipment is now officially cheaper than a freddo frog.

Party McFly

The organisers of Prof. Stephen Hawking’s memorial service have left the door open for time-travellers to attend. Applicants wishing to go to the service may put their birth date as anything up to 31 December 2038. This is because Hawking famously stated that the possibility of time travel had not been disproven and could not be excluded. I would like to think time travellers have better things to do, though. Maybe going back to January 2017 inauguration with an AR for ‘protection’. Or, you know, fighting Thanos. But it’s good that they can choose to commemorate Hawking if they want. In 2009, Hawking threw a party for time travellers and posted the invitation after the party to see if anyone would turn up. Which is hilarious and a fantastic excuse to use when stood-up on a date. ‘Yeah she’s a time traveller, so I haven’t actually asked her out yet. She’ll be along five minutes ago’.

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