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Alternative cold cures from an idiot

24 December 2017

By Kieran

As a man who is currently throwing off the last remnants of quite a severe bout of flu, I’ve been grasping around all week for solutions. The traditional methods of bed-rest, wrapping up warm and binge-watching House of Cards didn’t appeal to me due to reasons of inconvenience, geography and a recent feeling of severe discomfort to enjoy any Kevin Spacey work. With this in mind, allow me to share the non-conventional means (which I don’t recommend you try) by which I’ve tackled my bug.

Excessive strenuous winter sports

You know what your doctor is never going to recommend when you come in hacking up phlegm and decrying migraines? Skiing. But because I’d had this holiday booked for ages and because a lift pass was nearly 200 euros, that’s what I’ve done. Because what you really want to do, when sucking in air is made excruciatingly painful by tight lungs and a dry throat is make sure you’re out of breath as often as possible. Especially, in a sport that includes the possible eventuality of landing on your throbbing head, or into freezing snow. No medical professional could complain I didn’t wrap up warm, I simply contrasted that warmth with an outside temperature of -9.

 Alcohol

You know what’s grand for headaches? That stuff that gives you headaches if you have too much of it. Linked inexorably to the first method, partaking in après-ski activities seemed an ideal way to lessen my the pain I was in. The thinking went: ‘if I can’t feel anything… I shan’t feel my constricted chest or pounding temple…brilliant!’. As a remedy, this plan worked out spectacularly well… for roughly six hours at the conclusion of which my woes were all but doubled. This line of thinking was slightly inspired by my father who, when I had a sore throat on a school morning, rather than waste time ringing school and arranging care for me all day, would simply encourage me to gargle 40% proof peach schnapps to essentially burn all the complaining nerve endings away. A man of practicality and, evidently, influence.

Sleeping in the top bunk

You know that bed-rest all the traditionalists are gonna be recommending you get? Here’s how to spice it up so you can be cool, like me. Sleep at roughly 6 feet above the floor. That way, should you desire rapid access to the toilet or a glass of water, you first need to navigate a rickety ladder. You must also do this as silently as possible to avoid embarrassingly disturbing your roommates so that’s an exciting added challenge. Should you return with a glass of water, it also adds the probability of tipping half of it onto your mattress as you precariously climb one-handed back to your lofty abode. I’m certain I’ve never heard a doctor tell me the bed-rest had to be done in a dry bed.

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