A week in mild amusement

Leaving the EQueue

Border check queues at ports may triple in size after Brexit. Apparently, lorries could form a traffic jam up to 29 miles long due to more stringent checks required. The Treasury said it was seeking ‘as frictionless trade as possible’ with the EU post-Brexit. ‘Frictionless’, in this case referring to the friction of air resistance experienced by moving vehicles. Checks on lorries currently take about two minutes each which, coincidentally, is around the same amount of time a determined asylum seeker can hold their breath for. Residents in Kent found the news about the queues ‘alarming’. Most were particularly fearful of ‘ghastly’ working class drivers potentially lowering house prices with their coal-stained faces and penchant for Newcastle Brown Ale.

Lady and the rant

The woman whose name sounds most like a defendant making up a false name by what he sees in the room, Lady Judge, has resigned from the Institute of Directors. The chairwoman is accused of racism, sexism and bullying, which she has denied. It didn’t help with the bullying point, however, when she took her ball and went home. A recording shows her disparaging staff she calls ‘two blacks and one pregnant woman’. She claims the recording was meant to entrap her. This is a novel idea to me as I hadn’t realised racism was an effective bait for capture. Though it would explain why Tommy Robinson is always wriggling in my attic mousetraps on the weekend.

A fishing Tory

Ruth Davidson and Michael Gove have called for the UK to leave the common fisheries policy. It’s easy to see each of their motivations. Gove wants less fishing restrictions as he sources nutrition by simply opening his mouth and swimming through shoals of krill. And Davidson wants less fishing restrictions in order to deal with a particularly pesky Sturgeon. They said they wish to secure a ‘sustainable marine environment for the next generation’. Forgetting, of course, that they’ve already secured the next generation a sustainable marine environment (by which I mean, housing accommodation) by melting the polar ice caps.

Lass extinction

Speaking of, in a classic example of the bloody patriarchy, it turns out climate change impacts women more than men. Apparently, 80% of people displaced by climate change are women. Proving, once and for all, that men will not get up and move for anything. Unless climate change also moves the telly remote, we’re staying put. This must be particularly galling for all the feminists who made such progress this past year. According to all the t-shirts, the future is female. Unfortunately, according to all the science, the future is also brimstone.