Mr Snapchat, it has been a tumultuous 10-year relationship, but we have come to the end of our time (it’s most definitely you, not me).
Your mysterious, disappearing charm has made users behave outrageously for over an entire decade. There is no need for this toxic relationship to continue through the girl boss era.
And so here are the ten reasons why we need to stop using Snapchat.
10. It’s f**k boy HQ
You meet a boy, it’s going well, you’re anticipating the invitation to Winter Wonderland.
Then he drops the most outrageous proposition of our time: “what’s your Snap?”
On the hierarchy of socials, Snapchat is rock bottom. I’d rather a man asked to Skype me than dared ask for my Snap.
“u got snap?” i have a home address, act grown & get me roses with love letters
— (@alinaabond) April 7, 2021
Once the main means of communication has been established as Snapchat, it’s game over. Any hopes of a meaningful, romantic relationship are shattered and exchanged for 3am “you up?” messages.
The disappearing poof of the messages into oblivion gives these men an unnerving level of confidence. They will be asking you to “send pics” on Sundays and will fire filth at you whenever they have been within close proximity of alcohol.
Don’t get me started on unsolicited pics either. I have no doubt that Snapchat started this unwarranted craze of creeps corrupting our phone screens and peace.
We need to be free of the chains of the checked trousers and loafer-wearers. We need to ditch this red flag of a platform.
9. For road safety
The said Snapchat culprit also spends his time cruising in his Audi, listening to drill and endangering the population as he films and uploads this cursed act on his story.
8. The messages along with your memory are gone
As the age-old proverb goes: ignorance is bliss. However, the amount of open purple, red and blue arrows alongside every person in your contacts is far from blissful.
As if hangxiety wasn’t crippling enough the day after a big night, you will now be left wondering what atrocities you sent to the boy you met on holiday in 2015.
7. Two Proseccos deep and you’re the next Molly-Mae
Unlike the disappearing messages, the stories feature means that EVERYONE will have to endure the horror of your antics (unless you’re savvy enough to have a private story).
The screeching, screaming and shouting you think is a must-see cinematic masterpiece at 2am on Saturday morning is probably as wild as Fergie front flipping and “UWAAAGAGAHW”-ing.
Mortified and powerless, all you can do is trawl through and delete the endless footage that has already been seen by far too many people.
6. We’re not 13 anymore
It’s nearly 2022 – we need to grow up and spend our valuable time as flourishing adults on LinkedIn!
People in their 20s have no business using an app with filters to make you look like a dog.
5. Why do we need to know when someone is typing?
Honestly, why? It is the same concept as someone announcing they are about to speak before speaking.
The notification “…is typing” is also enough to trigger a minor heart attack, seeing as it usually is the name of an eejit who has ignored you for 5-7 working days.
4. The ‘memories’ feature is really serving up forgotten trauma
“4 years ago today..” might as well be: Good morning! Here is a lovely picture of your ex.
There is no need for dirt to be dug up and flung at you all before midday.
3. Snap maps answers the prayers of stalkers everywhere
People with their location turned on fear nothing. It’s radiating pick-me energy to a potential psychopath.
Not to mention the drama spun from someone being somewhere they shouldn’t be.
This feature is really more scandalous than when we could see everyone’s best friend list.
2. Everyone who still uses Facebook like it’s 2010 is also on Snapchat
You know the type: the OGs of virtual conflict, the commentators of family and friendship feuds and the keyboard warriors of the local papers’ comments section.
The kind that uploads a blank screen with “no replies” on their story after their Mum hasn’t left them tea.
Snapchat is a safe haven for this unhinged behaviour that has no place in the roaring 2020s.
1. Scores and star signs
Is this a sick game? Why are we getting a score for exchanging messages, what is the prize? I suspect a loss of brain cells and dignity.
The Snapchat star sign feature also makes girls susceptible to believing they are cosmically compatible with a boy that responds to their selfies with monkey emojis.