A week in mild amusement

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28 September 2018

By Kieran

Virgin Fail

We begin this week with US Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. He has claimed that the sexual assault allegations against him cannot be true because he was a virgin in high school. Now these two things, obviously, are completely unrelated. This, of course, caused every satirist and left-leaning Twitter user to engage in a worldwide simile-off to describe what that claim was most ‘like saying’… which I will now heartily engage in. That’s like saying you couldn’t have shoplifted a curly-wurly, because you’ve never bought a Twix. That’s like saying you couldn’t have shot your girlfriend, because you have no legs. It’s like an actor saying he can’t be a sexual abuser because he’s gay. You get the idea.

Kavanaugh also ‘disproves’ the allegations of sexual assault at University with the same efficacy of a creationist disproving evolution by pointing at Wayne Rooney. “If I had done that, it would have been the talk of campus,” he said with the air of a villain in a choose-your-own-adventure novel. He was referring to allegations that he exposed his penis, thrust it into Deborah Ramirez’s face, forcing her to touch it. Now. Either way, Brett was definitely a BNOC at college. In this case not standing for ‘Big name on campus’, but ‘blatantly nude or creepy’.

No likey, no lighty

After the latest week in the omnishambolic Brexit negotiations, Theresa May broadcast live from Downing Street. She was scheduled to start at a quarter to two but had to be delayed. Reports emerged that this was because the room she was in had no power. Previously, Brexit had been defined by the phrase ‘the lights are on but nobody’s home’. Now even the lights aren’t bloody on. The phrase should now be changed to: ‘the lights are no longer on and nobody’s home except for 10% of registered NHS doctors who are back in Europe’.

May’s speech came across with all the dignity and grace of a gif of the Monopoly man drowning in custard. She essentially attacked the EU for not being very nice about her unworkable proposals and challenged them to propose alternative solutions. She, sort of, told the EU to do her job for her. To be honest, I can’t think of a better candidate for Brexit secretary than the European Union. They seem to understand the whole thing very well. The alternative solution, if you’re wondering, was to not listen to Nigel Farage, read the Wikipedia page on the EU and learn the Urdu words for bread and milk.

The princess ride

Meghan Markle sent the media into meltdown when she shut a car door for herself. You know, just like you and me. She got out of a high-range 2018-registered Jaguar as we all do. She was wearing a Givenchy dress, just like we all wear. And she was visiting the Royal Academy of Arts like we all do every weekend. The BBC even found an instance last week where she again ‘had form’ for this and closed her own car door. Like a pleb.

Thankfully, the princess didn’t have to actually open the door for herself. She’s not Jesus after all. In other news… well there clearly wasn’t any other news because if there was, this story wouldn’t exist.

For the further chronicles of the world collapsing in on itself, check out the previous weeks ins milds amusements.


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