Dear Mr President

Dear Mr President,

I fear, Mr Trump, we have gotten off on the wrong foot. I know I’ve said some terrible things about you in the past, but I would like to take this opportunity to offer my apologies. I was blinded by fake news, and my weak and ignorant female brain was unable to see through it to the truth (we’ll blame the old PMS, ay Donald? Haha).

I understand, after closely studying your most recent speeches (and what magnificent displays they were, good sir), the genius behind your plans. Your plans to attempt to shut down migration from several rather specific countries (which exclude those such as Saudi Arabia) now make much more sense to me. (Although maybe you could address this in detail in your reply? Only as I understand it, 11 out of 14 of the 9/11 bombers were from Saudi Arabia, and you do claim to be attempting to combat terrorism in a post-9/11 world. I am sure there’s something I’m missing or have been blinded to by liberalism.) You clearly want the best for American people, and will do whatever it takes to achieve that, and that is perfectly understandable. It reminds me of parents fleeing war torn countries, leaving homes and lives, in order to secure a safe future for their children. You too would go to extremes, put yourself through grave danger, in order to protect your fellow citizens. Let’s hope you’re never turned away at the door by people who could help you in your brave mission, as refugees have been at every turn. (It’s actually quite odd, come to think of it. You were faced with such a situation, weren’t you, when the courts blocked your migration ban? You didn’t react so kindly to being treated in such a manner, did you? It’s really awful when something extremely important to you is taken out of your hands and your feelings disregarded. I hope you’re okay.)

I also wholly support your decision to build a wall between the USA and Mexico. I heard a border security man giving an interview (I think he’d worked on the border and been interviewing immigrants for many years) saying that a wall wouldn’t make any difference, and that they’d tried that already but it didn’t work. But hey, what does he know? I trust you know best. It would also mean a lot to me if in your reply you could outline how you intend to combat the use of propaganda. I think it’s fairly well understood by those in high places that the biggest threat to US security isn’t radical immigrants but Americans who have been radicalised via the internet. Or beyond this, gun control, perhaps? I’m sure you’re a man who really wants to save American lives, and I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but maybe a good way to do that would be to keep killing machines out of the grasp out of potential murderers? Gun violence only exacerbates a growing problem of isolated people seeking glory in large-scale heinous acts. But don’t just listen to me! You follow your gut.

Anyway, enough politics. I trust you know what you’re doing. I wanted to let you know I fully support you and wish you the best of luck in your Presidency. It’s important for teenage girls such as myself to have strong male role models, and someone like yourself with your history in beauty pageants I’m sure could teach me a lot about how to mould myself into a woman any man would like to marry. You’ve taught me that the best way to judge a woman is by her appearance and sexual value to you, and I shall make adjustments to my life goals accordingly. (I used to want to go into writing, but the way you spoke of and to female journalists made me realise how silly that was!) Many thanks for your strength and perseverance; you’re an inspiration to us all, and a credit to those who have built empires from mere $1 million loans.

Yours faithfully,

Lois Marshall