Press the red button

There’s a lot of talk at the moment of celebrity politicians. Oprah, Dwayne Johnson and Mark Zuckerberg are all rumoured to be considering taking on the ‘Donald’ in the next US election. Many decry the ramifications of handing over control of the fabled ‘red button’ to a grinning TV poster child. I think that’s unfair. While Trump or the Rock (a man renowned for pushing things, be it limits or ups) might not be great choices for control of nuclear arsenals, surely some celebrities would be? Here are my picks for the best celebs to stand vigil over the worlds nukes.

Simon Cowell

I mean, look at that proof in that pudding. Not only is he well practised in shrewd button pressing. He also does that straight talking shtick that people love about Donnie. He wears his heart on his rolled-up sleeve and the glint from his teeth is a renewable source of solar energy. Not only that, he already knows Piers Morgan. I can just see President Cowell staring down Kim Jong-un. “Kim” he’d say. “That was a beautiful rendition of Rocketman but your record on human rights is a record even I can’t sell. It’s a no from me”.

Graham Norton

Is there that much difference between a big red chair and a big red button? Granted, he uses a lever not a button but if Graham’s proven anything, it’s that he’s versatile. The ultimate diplomat, he even got Harrison Ford to smile once. Leave him at the UN and he’ll have everyone drunk and signing peace accords faster than you can say BBCpaygap.

Christopher Plummer

Erm… a few months ago this would have been Kevin Spacey… Because of House of Cards you understand… Let’s move on.

Rihanna

Trump is constantly criticised for taking golfing breaks. If there’s one thing we associate with RiRi, it’s Work. Donald tells lies. She loves the way he does it. His diplomacy style is abrasive. Rihanna can deal with rude boys.

The Sugababes… all of them

In their iconic anthemĀ Push the button, these ladies display all the best qualities of a US president. They’re able to wait patiently for him to come and get it (a sound, restrained defence tactic). They can control ‘the freak (maintaining calm in stressful negotiations). And they’re ‘ready to do something to relieve this mission’ (secure enough to abandon military operations that go afoul). Plus, what else are they doing?