A week in mild amusement

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12 September 2018

By Kieran

Entering the single market

So Boris Johnson’s getting a divorce. He and his wife are separating after 25 years. While she can no longer live in his house, he does expect her to cook, clean and allow low tariff imports for no benefit. Drawing comparisons with Johnson’s own separation and Brexit is obviously fun but not hugely accurate in my opinion. This divorce appears to simply enable him to get rumours of infidelity out ahead of his eventual leadership coup. An accurately analogous divorce for Brexit would be more like a husband chopping off his own arms, screwing his mouth shut and sleeping outside Wetherspoons because his wife sometimes told him not to go fishing.

Jag to the future

A private school has apologised after its advert suggested its pupils would one day be rich enough to ‘buy their dad a Jag’. The advert depicted a child being brought to the school by his working-class scum father in an embarrassingly reasonably priced Volvo. The child then becomes ‘very successful in business’ and eventually buys the grotty leach of his progenitor a Jaguar. It would mark the first time a private school alumnus had even bothered to become ‘very successful in business’. Usually the mate they biff the tramps up with would just hand them a job at one of their dad’s national newspapers somewhere down the line.

Vinehall school charges up to £23,000 a year to educate children aged between two and thirteeen. Ages at which other children are simply given Pritt Stick and glitter and told to paint their garden. For that sort of money, a state school could drill the phrase “Do as you’re told” into each students head. Literally, as well as mentally, like normal.

Joint effort

Human supervillain origin story Elon Musk smoked marijuana on a live podcast with Joe Rogan. Shares of his company Tesla dropped 9% following his appearance on the show. Exchanging nearly a tenth for a drag of an eighth? Bad deal, Musk. This comes after Tesla’s production delays, controversial privatisation propositions and Musk’s increasingly erratic behaviour. I’m serious. All it’d take is the board to try and force him out and before you know it, he’d be gliding around New York fighting Spider-Man. The BBC posted a picture of Elon with the joint in question with the hilarious face he used to regard legal drugs. He looks like me when I’m politely pretending the vegan cheese my flatmate asks me to try tastes anything like cheese.

Critter Twitter

A French satellite system that monitors and tracks animals across the globe is being expanded. Not very funny, you might say. Well, wait till I tell you that the name of the system is ARGOS. And if you think reading sentences like: “ARGOS has enabled scientists to attach small tags to animals” isn’t funny then I can’t help you. For 30 years, ARGOS has tracked species’ movements all over the planet. Impressive when compared to the Argos that can’t seem to track a golf umbrella in the back room. ARGOS is referred to as ‘the internet of animals’. Which, you could be forgiven for mistaking the regular internet for anytime someone brings up the pineapple/pizza debate.

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