Conscious Uncoupling

25 June 2014

By Yasmine

What is conscious uncoupling?

It sounds very amiable but in a nutshell, it means they are breaking up. Adios amigo. Basically Scotland aren’t wanting to leave England they are wanting to consciously uncouple England, there’s obviously a clear difference. It’s basically sugarcoating the word divorce. So now we have that cleared up, we have chosen the top five conscious uncoupling:

1. Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow

It was these silly buggers that actually came up with the saying ‘conscious uncoupling’, well either they did or their publicist did. The pair released an attention-soaked statement about how they will ‘remain a family’ and are ‘closer than ever’. They put more effort into this statement than what Gwyneth put into her whole career. Let their deluded divorce be full of rainbows and unicorns, so tell us, who gets the dog?

conscious uncoupling c g


2. Calvin Harris and Rita Ora

Calvin took to the wonderful world of Twitter to break the news because it’s not official unless you mention it on a social networking site. Calvin wrote ‘To address speculation- myself and Rita ended our relationship some time ago. She is a beautiful, talented woman & I wish her all the best’. Rita wrote ‘I don’t usually address speculation but I’ve had an amazing time with Calvin & I will treasure the memories’, Calm down Romeo and Juliet.

calvin and rita


3. Colin Firth and Paddington Bear

Colin Firth has decided he’s too good for the voice of Paddington Bear and he thought ‘conscious uncoupling’ would be the right thing to do for himself and the animated creature. Colin didn’t want to act all serious about it, so he nicked Martin and Paltrow’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ to describe the relationship in a recent interview. Paddington will now haunt Firth in his sleep.

creepy paddington bear


4. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart

It clearly wasn’t going to last, there was an 18 year age gap for God’s sake. “Age is just a number”, yeah, and menopause is just a cramp. If the pair didn’t split soon, Casper would still be clubbing while Jenny nursed her broken hip back to health. Jennifer needs to be conscious about uncoupling because Casper spent a lot of time with her six year old twins, colouring and finger painting because, hey, kids will be kids, right?

cradle robber


5. Spain and the World Cup

Spain became sore losers when Chile proved too much to handle for the team and beat them 2-0 in the World Cup. Before the game even began these chaps should have been sitting in the departure lounge. With key players such as Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos, Spain were definitely not expecting an early exit. The country have now lost faith and have consciously uncoupled with their own team while they themselves consciously uncouple from the World Cup.

brazillian man

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