Five fashion items that used to be useful

22 May 2015

By Sam

We all know the score. Fashions change quickly so the industry can make as much money as possible, while everyone trying to stay on trend spends more money and gets more confused as to what’s in and what the new black might be. At b**p, however, we want to shout out to all our fellow trendily-confused comrades, and call out the daft, the silly and the downright ridiculous aspects of today’s fashions.


1) The bag


The origin of the bag dates back at least to Ancient Egypt, where hieroglyphics show men carrying things in bags tied round their waist. Bags were a way to leave your hands free whilst also carrying things with you. It seems like a great idea. However, when you consider that clutch bags take up one of your hands, leading to a lopsided one-handed dance, and can hold less than a normal-sized pocket, they make life harder, not easier, don’t they?!


2) Clothes


Clothing is for protection. Protection from hot weather, cold weather, wet weather. Protection from stinging plants (like nettles) and stinging insects (like wasps). However, if you look up and down Collingwood Street at 11pm on a Saturday, you’d never know that was what clothes were invented for! Wind whips up skirts and fashionable slits and gapes let in the sleet and hail – and that’s just in the summer… I think a dictionary now might claim the purpose of clothes is to show off your fake tan and frame your ‘assets’!


3) Watches


Watches are an easy one, right? They tell you the time. How, then, do you explain watches with tiny faces, watches with no numbers, and even watches with flowers where the pointers should be. We’ve seen them all, but we’re guessing that the top priority of today’s watchmakers isn’t to make sure you’re not late for your appointments.


4) Shoes


Shoes! Man’s invention to make walking less painful. To enable you to walk further, in more comfort, across all terrains. Oh wait. That’s right; most girls have to take OFF their shoes to walk home after a night out, crying in pain at the blisters they sustained from a few hours of standing relatively still. Practical!


5) Belt


Originally to hold up your trousers, belts now define waists, draw attention to your assets or provide colour and contrast to your outfit. If your trousers stay up, that is… Nothing says high fashion like the pale crevice of someone’s bending-over bottom!


So there you have it! Next time you wobble in high heels, shiver through your strappy sandals or juggle your bag and all the things that wouldn’t fit in it, take a moment to think how much easier your life would be if we lived in the middle ages. From a fashion point of view at least – we’d rather not swap our bath products…

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