A week in mild amusement

Booked for diving

In an incident reminiscent of the 2010 story of the Chilean miners comes the 2018 story of the chilly young minors. 12 young boys and their football coach in Thailand have been rescued from an underwater cave they were trapped in for 17 days. The team is in such a weakened state that England has expressed interest in getting them ranked by FIFA as a national squad. It was 17-year old Peerapat Sompiangjai’s birthday when the team became trapped. Usually, when you turn 17 you start taking driving lessons, not diving lessons. The group apparently survived on his celebration snacks. They must do birthday’s differently in Thailand. If I’d had to survive for weeks on birthday party food I’d have foregone the party rings and skips and chosen starvation long ago.

Chequers your privilege

It’s like poetry. The same week that England beat the nation that gave us IKEA, our cabinet collapsed. Brexit secretary David Davis and face, hair and basically emblematic metaphor for the Leave campaign, Boris Johnson both quit. Davis, a man whose own parent’s found him so unworthy they only bothered to change one letter of his miserable moniker quit because Theresa May wasn’t delivering on the Brexit he wanted. Johnson, a bulbous worm stuffed into a suit and topped with the contents of Santa Claus’ plughole, quit because he’s a political opportunist to rival Cersei Lannister. This continues a bizarre trend in which brexiteers blame the car crash that is Brexit on remainers. Which is a bit like a conservative-voting working class person blaming students and immigrants for why they can’t afford their heating. But that doesn’t sound like them.

Floaty McFloatface

The RRS Sir David Attenborough polar research ship is ready to launch. Fitting that the huge vessel is ready to slip into cold darkness at about the same time its namesake is. The famed BBC naturalist will press the button that will release the ship into the River Mersey. Well at least, an extensive team of talented naturalists and camera operators will push the button. David will certainly narrate the heck out of it from a cosy studio though. I like that it’s a vessel with icebreaking capabilities. It’s almost as if sailors from Merseyside have some grudge against ice. Can’t think what might have brought that on.

Great chanter

The song Three Lions is on course to reach UK number one. The anthem, which features the now eye-rolling ‘it’s coming home’ refrain, has been streamed 2.6 million times since Friday. I’m surprised. That number seems bafflingly low going by how it’s present in every Facebook meme I’m goaded into watching by the phrase ‘best one yet crying-laugh emoji’. This interferes with a currently ongoing campaign to get Greenday’s American Idiot to the top spot. I wonder what high profile event could have brought that on. Ironically, Three Lions is also interfering with the official anthem of UKIP’s bid for chart success. A reworking of the same song, but with the word ‘coming’ replaced by ‘going’ and the word ‘football’ with the word ‘coloureds’.

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