A Week in Mild Amusement

According to a tweeted video, discount in the price of Nutella has led to ‘riots’ in French supermarkets. In other news, the definition of the word ‘riot’ has been drastically changed. Move over 2011 Tottenham, there’s some spread on offer. The price dropped from €4.50 to €1.40. Perhaps it’s just me but the use of the word riot does tend to lose it’s credibility when the price of the item is still acknowledged. Normally a riot results in the cost of a £500 telly being reduced to the cost of a brick and a good cricket arm.

In a (pre)historic interview, honey-glazed-ham faced Donald Trump told smoked-ham faced Piers Morgan he would have negotiated Brexit differently. He made this claim after Piers had reassured him that he was pretty sure Mexico isn’t in Europe. Trump charitably assured the world that Theresa May is ‘doing a job’ but expressed that he would have taken a tougher stance. He described the EU as ‘not cracked up to what it’s supposed to be’. This is, I’m sure, a poetic re-scrambling of an age-old idiom by a stable genius rather than the misquoting of a common phrase by a barely- literate moron.

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Ikea has died, prompting everyone in the world to simultaneously make the same joke about flat pack coffins. People have taken to twitter to mourn the loss of ‘the greatest Swedish entrepreneur to have ever lived’. Whoever made that quote obviously hasn’t noticed the fact that they’re doing a sequel to Mamma Mia this year. If anyone should be commended for squeezing money from low quality material, it’s ABBA.

Most UK bat species have gained the status’ of ‘recovering’ or ‘stable’. Now all we need is for a billionaire’s son to fall down a well and we can get the UK into the superhero biz. These findings come from volunteers who have been out counting the bats, a job they describe as ‘particularly difficult at Halloween’. Brown long-eared bats are said to be doing the worst out of all species- a figure authorities have blamed on racism at an institutional level.

In a world record attempt for the largest act of emotional projection in history, health secretary Jeremy Hunt has said doctors must reflect openly about mistakes they’ve made. He stated ‘in medicine, there are always going to be mistakes made’ forgetting that these mistakes are all the more common when doctors are forced to make do with materials they can scavenge like a high-stakes episode of Art Attack. Hunt wants to make sure doctors can freely admit mistakes, prompting his mother’s GP to break down and confess he should have been clearer on how contraceptives work.