A week in mild amusement

9 January 2018

By Kieran

Theresa May, in a blistering display of chastisement not seen since you laughingly called your dog a ‘bad boy’ while snapchatting him chewing up kleenex, has said she’s ‘not impressed’ with Toby Young’s scintillating Twitter history. She said Young has been assured that if he talks that way in the future, his shiny new job on the board of the Office for Students will disappear faster than a hastily deleted tweet. Mr Young has reportedly taken the PM’s comments on board, telling journalists: ‘She f****** would say that, dirty f****** cow. It’s probably her f****** time of the month am I right lads? Wahey!’

Unimaginatively named tech company Orosound say they have developed a new generation of noise-cancelling earphones. These brand new innovations supposedly allow the complete muting of unwanted noise. A BBC reporter was asked to test this by listening to the newest Little Mix single in a crowded tech expo and happily confirmed that he couldn’t hear the song at all.

In a New Years resolution to put your eschewing of the waiter’s offer of desert to shame, Mark Zuckerberg has vowed to ‘fix’ Facebook for 2018. Zuckerberg states his priority as ‘protecting the community from abuse and hate’ which on Facebook is about as likely as putting out a forest-fire by beating it with a cloth. He’s also committed to making sure time on Facebook is well spent. I can only assume he intends to get Buzzfeed personality quizzes admitted to the GCSE syllabus.

In a chuckling headline-writer’s wet dream, US astronaut John Young has died aged 87. NASA listed, among other achievements, his participation on the Apollo 10 mission. This was the crew that flew to the moon to test the Apollo 11 landing craft… without landing it, meaning the craft had no relevant experience for it’s intended job. Interestingly enough the US adopted a similar policy to its electoral candidates 50 years later.

Waitrose has announced their upcoming crack-down on highly-caffeinated energy drinks, refusing to serve them to under-16s. While this might be seen a beneficial health-push for the nation’s youth if it were Tesco or B&M bargains saying this, I can’t see the commitment from Waitrose, of all places, having the same effect. Nevertheless, at least little Tarquin will no longer get too pumped-up for his croquet final. This seems a bit like solving a problem that wasn’t there as, with a national minimum wage of £4.20 an hour for 16 year-olds, it’s unlikely they could afford a Red Bull from Waitrose anyway.

Royal Mail has announced that Game of Thrones characters like Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen will feature on a new series of stamps. These could be perfect accessories to encourage young people to write letters to distant aunties and uncles- provided the message enclosed is one of a sexual proposal. Spoiler alert. Sean Bean’s Eddard Stark will also feature. A nobleman who, following betrayal was summarily executed through decapitation- which if you ask me is a slightly ominous icon to replace the Queen’s head with, especially amidst all this talk of Corbyn’s revolution.

For the last round-up of a week’s quirky news, click here.


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